Self reflection is something that I have become an expert at during this journey. I spend a lot of time reflecting and journaling. I know that I will eventually remarry but while in my single season, I have decided to work on things within myself that will be beneficial when I remarry. The weight of being a wife hit me a little before my 3 year mark of being a widow. I was at Bible Study and one of the sisters from my church asked herself this very question, “would my husbands wife do that?” She was referring to specific actions and reactions that she noticed within herself. She has also been married before but was speaking about her future marriage and how she would like for things to be different the next time around. I thought about that and it actually allowed me to evaluate myself as a wife. And although I believe that Chris and I made great progress in the areas of growth and patience, there are many things that I would love to do differently when given the opportunity again. As a widow, you approach marriage differently. Because you know what it was like. And depending on the type of marriage you had, you will decide if you would like to be married again or remain single. The Bible is very intentional to separate younger widows and older widows. Young widows are to remarry and older widows are to remain single and be cared for by the community. During their single season, all widows and orphans are to be cared for by the church and the community. I have been blessed with an amazing village. The Lord has been so good to me during this journey. He has sent me additional people who love me, care for me and have been able to give me exactly what I need during this journey. And so much so, that you would not be reading this blog post if it weren’t for some of the people that he has sent me.
I am grateful for the things that I am learning in this journey. And I thank the Lord for allowing me to be able to reflect and begin to do the work on myself. Another thing that I have taken from one of my other sisters in Christ is praying for my husband. And although we have yet to meet (to my knowledge), I pray for him almost daily. I ask the Lord to bless him and keep him and to just cover him as he continues to groom him into the husband that I need. I would imagine that it takes a special man to marry a widow. Not every man can handle the weight of that. Just as many women can’t handle the weight of being a wife. It is a heavy load to bare, but that is the very reason why we need to have a strong relationship with the Lord. I believe that marriage is ministry. And PRAYER is most certainly the foundation. Women, you must be able to lift your husband up in prayer. Not only do you need to cove him in prayer, but join him in prayer. And not that cute prayer that you learn as a child and resite it prior to bedtime. I mean, become intimate before the Lord with your husband. You most certainly will have your own prayer life with the Lord AND you will also have to come before the Lord with your husband as well. Praying together was actually the most difficult part of my marriage. There were certain things that I wouldn’t pray about outloud. We would pray together, and then I would turn over and have my own prayer time with the Lord. And not saying that we don’t need our own time with the Lord, but in marriage we must be able to become vulnerable before the father with our husband. Husbands and wives need to know how to truly pray for each other so that the enemy has an even harder time to infiltrate the union.
I thank the Lord for giving me just under 10 years as a wife and even the additional years that we had just as a couple. The foundation that had been laid from the age of 15 to 30 is a really good foundation. I learned so much about myself and my emotions. Things that are handled well and some toxic personality traits that I never noticed before. And as I continue to grow and become molded to become a wife again, I will continue to reflect on my personality traits and actions by asking myself, “would my husband’s wife do that?”.