Navigating romantic relationships

The Rescue Fantasy and a Glimmer of Hope

Many women harbor a deep-seated fantasy of a knight in shining armor, a "Prince Charming" who will sweep in and rescue them from whatever challenges or insecurities they face. This narrative, often perpetuated by Disney movies, paints a picture of a fictitious tower from which we await our liberation. While I've personally navigated one of the most profoundly devastating relational losses in my life, a persistent glimmer of hope for remarriage flickered within me. After five years of widowhood and two years of active dating, I genuinely believed I had finally found someone truly in alignment with my core beliefs and my life's direction. He was a devout believer, deeply family-oriented, and, crucially, incredibly supportive of my role in ministry. You might be surprised to learn how many Christian men express discomfort with my involvement in ministry.

Over the years, I've encountered men who were drawn to my ambitious side. They admired my drive, my "go-getter" spirit, and my constant pursuit of goals. However, as I continue on this personal journey, I'm increasingly realizing that this version of myself is one I no longer desire to embody. Relentlessly working to the point of burnout, or using work to numb internal struggles, is no longer the path I choose to walk. The version of me that is actively healing and evolving craves a healthier work-life balance, one where I can generously pour into those around me without feeling completely depleted.

Navigating the Dating Landscape: Age, Expectations, and Realizations

My preferred dating age range is typically between 32 and 48. I can almost hear your thoughts: "But you're only 25!" 🤣😂🤣 I know, right?! But in all seriousness, due to my established friend circle, my current stage in life, and my overall maturity level, I consistently attract older men. In my mind, an older man often signifies someone more established and clearer about their life's desires. However, this isn't necessarily the case. I've observed that single men in their mid to late 40s who have never been married, often exhibit a certain "tunnel vision" when it comes to other aspects of their lives. Romantic relationships leading to marriage are typically not their immediate priority or interest.

After a period of dating men in their mid to late 40s, I decided to explore a slightly younger demographic. Not as young as I've dated in the distant past, but still younger than myself. It was then that I met a 32-year-old man who possessed remarkable clarity about his life's goals and his vision for a family. He was the primary parent to a three-year-old son and had clearly invested the necessary work in healing and moving forward into a new relationship. We dated for a period of time, and eventually, he initiated the conversation about exclusively dating with the explicit goal of marriage.

Now, for those new to the world of modern dating, as I once was, let me break down the often-confusing categories of dating. The "talking phase" is essentially a casual dating scenario. You may or may not be seeing other people, and this particular person isn't "locked in" yet. It's essentially a probationary period. The next stage is "exclusively dating." To my initial surprise, you can date someone without being exclusive, which is distinct from casual dating (I know, incredibly confusing, right?). The stage I'm most familiar with, of course, is being in a "relationship," which is also not the same as exclusively dating. This stage necessitates a genuine conversation about the nature of the relationship and its ultimate goals. Some individuals are seeking long-term commitment, while others are specifically looking for marriage.

When I first re-entered the dating scene, I found myself trying to categorize every man I dated into one of these predefined boxes. However, I eventually came to a profound realization: when a man genuinely desires you, he will make his intentions unequivocally clear. So ladies, if you find yourself perpetually asking, "What are we?", the blunt answer is often, "Nothing."

The Importance of Clarity and the Shifting Tides of Emotion

While that may sound a little harsh, a man who fails to make his intentions clear is likely not someone you'd want to lead you in a committed relationship anyway. So, back to this handsome young man I was dating—or rather, in a relationship with. One distinctive aspect of dating him was that he encountered the "real me" from the begining, not the carefully curated version I often presented in previous dating scenarios. You know how it is when you start dating: you put your best foot forward, they see the version of you you want them to see, and the rest is history! Well, we met during a particularly chaotic season of my life, and I wasn't actively seeking a relationship. I had been "casually dating" someone else for almost a year and was coming to terms with the need to end that arrangement. The other person I was dating was truly wonderful—successful, also a primary parent to his sons, and undeniably handsome! Let's just say that this season of my life seemed to be characterized by encounters with incredibly attractive men!

Anyway, returning to my story, I realized that the person I had been dating for some time was not a long-term option. I knew he wasn't interested in marriage when we first met, yet I proceeded to date him, mentally categorizing him as someone I wouldn't pursue for long. In the interim, we developed a genuine friendship built on deep emotional intimacy—a connection far more potent than physical intimacy, and something not enough people discuss, which is why I was completely blindsided when I began to fall in love with him. After eleven months of dating, I concluded that the best course of action would be to end our dating relationship.

During the conversation with him, I made a startling discovery: I had placed him in a casual dating category, but he had perceived our connection as a full-fledged relationship. This is precisely where things become incredibly murky in dating. When important conversations are sidestepped, and assumptions are made, people inevitably get hurt. As a woman, if I date a man who explicitly states he doesn't want marriage or isn't looking for something serious, I operate under that understanding. However, life has taught me that men can begin to change their minds, develop stronger emotions, and yet fail to voice these shifts. As a woman, this can be incredibly confusing because as much as it may "feel" like a relationship, if an explicit conversation about that commitment hasn't occurred, then it simply isn't one.

Clear communication is paramount. Needless to say, we had a conversation where I expressed my growing feelings for him and my understanding that he wasn't interested in a relationship, suggesting we should stop seeing each other. His response completely stunned me! He then voiced his confusion about the fact that we weren't already in a relationship. And yes, if you consider the general qualifications of a relationship, our dynamic certainly fit the description. However, I am a woman who trusts a man when he states he isn't interested in a relationship. Although his language was subtly changing, and I could feel a tangible difference in how we engaged, if he had initially set the "no relationship, no marriage" precedent, he should also be the one to recognize and articulate when that dynamic truly shifts.

This placed me in a challenging situation, filled with many different emotions. The complexity arose because I had been "casually dating" a man who had clearly stated he wasn't interested in a serious relationship. Yet, unexpectedly, he seemed puzzled as to why I didn't realize we were actually in a relationship. This unforeseen twist created a sense of confusion for me, as I had believed our connection was more casual and undefined. The irony of his confusion added to my frustration, highlighting the misalignment in our definitions of dating and relationships. Meanwhile, the new man I had started dating was very clear about his intentions. He expressed a strong desire not only to date me seriously but also to consider marriage as a potential future goal. This stark contrast between the two men underscored the complexities of modern dating. When I engage in the dating scene, most men I meet understand that I might be talking to others simultaneously and are generally comfortable with that. However, this new relationship introduced a different dynamic. I found myself with someone who genuinely wanted to pursue a committed relationship with me, urging me to focus solely on him and leave my other connections behind. This scenario quickly became an internal struggle for me. On one hand, I had a strong desire to be married again, as the idea of building a life with someone special was incredibly appealing. On the other hand, I was also developing deep emotional feelings for the man I had been dating for nearly a year. The emotional investment I had made during that time was significant, and the thought of severing that bond to pursue something new was daunting. This conflict forced me to confront the reality of how emotional intimacy can evolve and deepen over time, often without conscious awareness. As a Christian, I have been taught the importance of abstaining from physical intimacy before marriage. While this principle is meant to foster a more meaningful emotional connection, I never fully realized until now just how profound the effects of this choice could be. Abstaining from physical intimacy can lead to a deeper level of emotional intimacy, one that can catch you off guard and, if you are not vigilant, can leave you vulnerable to heartbreak. The weight of emotional intimacy is significant; it can create bonds that feel incredibly real and substantial, even when the circumstances of the relationship may suggest otherwise. This experience has opened my eyes to the complexities of dating and the necessity of clear communication about intentions, feelings, and the nature of the relationships we cultivate.

My decision to end things with the man who did not want to be married was a difficult, but necessary one. Dating while healing is a very difficult space to be in. I knew that the man I had in front of me was wonderful, and seemed to be everything that I had been waiting for, until I found out that he had some qualities that would ultimately disqualify him. When faced with the complex decision of whether to continue dating someone after they have committed an act that you find morally or ethically unacceptable, many different scenarios and considerations come to mind. In my particular situation, the catalyst for reevaluation was a seemingly "small lie" that ultimately led me to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to pursue a relationship with him. This seemingly minor deception was not merely an isolated incident; it was indicative of a deeper issue of trust and honesty. The underlying principle that guided my decision was the belief that if someone is willing to lie about something trivial, it raises significant concerns about their willingness to be truthful regarding more serious matters. The fact that he only confessed to this lie because he was aware that someone else was likely to inform me of the truth soon only compounded my distrust. It made me question his integrity and whether he valued our relationship enough to be honest from the outset. In the realm of dating, it is crucial to surround yourself with individuals who you can trust implicitly—friends and confidants who will provide you with sound, unbiased advice when you find yourself in a predicament. Their insights can often help clarify your feelings and guide you toward making the best decision for your emotional well-being. Additionally, it is vital to listen to your instincts and utilize your discernment in these situations. Intuition can often serve as a powerful tool in navigating the complexities of romantic relationships.

Despite the disheartening experience of discovering this lie, I found myself grappling with the multitude of qualities that initially drew me to him. There were numerous attributes he possessed that I had not encountered in other men I had dated in the past. His charm, intelligence, and sense of humor made me feel a connection that I had longed for, and for a time, I was convinced that he could be "the one." Prior to meeting him, I had reached a point in my life where I felt a sense of despair, thinking that perhaps my chance at finding true love was slipping away. I had become increasingly aware that I might never experience a fulfilling relationship again. However, when we began dating, a glimmer of hope ignited within me, rekindling my belief that love was indeed possible. This hope was not just about the thrill of romance; it was about the potential for a meaningful partnership that could bring joy and fulfillment into my life. I envisioned a future filled with shared experiences, laughter, and mutual support. Yet, as I reflected on the implications of his dishonesty, I realized that those dreams could not be built on a shaky foundation of trust. The realization that I had to prioritize my emotional health and self-respect became paramount. Ultimately, the decision to end the relationship, while painful, was rooted in the understanding that a relationship devoid of trust and honesty could never flourish. It was a necessary step toward reclaiming my sense of worth and ensuring that I would only invest my time and energy into relationships that honored those fundamental principles.

A glimmer of Hope

It's a journey, and I'm on it with you all, navigating the complexities of dating in a world that often feels vastly different from what it once was. Dating after marriage, and especially dating in your 30s and 40s, presents unique challenges and opportunities that require a fresh perspective and a resilient heart. As we embark on this journey together, it's crucial to maintain a sense of hope and optimism. Remember, just because you have not yet found the romantic partner you long for—someone who aligns with your dreams and aspirations—does not mean that such a connection is unattainable. The absence of a partner at this moment should not be interpreted as a permanent state. It is essential to recognize the power that fear can wield over our decisions. Fear can lead to hasty choices, causing us to overlook our own established boundaries and rules in the pursuit of companionship. When we allow fear to dictate our actions, we risk compromising our values and settling for relationships that do not fulfill us. This often stems from the belief that we may not encounter anyone better suited for us, leading us to accept less than what we genuinely desire. My heartfelt prayer and hope for those who are reading this is that you embrace each dating experience as a valuable lesson. Every interaction, whether it ends in joy or disappointment, contributes to your growth and understanding of what you truly want and need in a partner. It’s vital to remember that there are countless wonderful men and women out there, each with their own stories and qualities to offer. Just because one particular relationship does not work out, it does not reflect poorly on the other person; rather, it simply indicates that they were not the right fit for you at this time. This understanding can help foster a mindset of gratitude and acceptance, allowing you to appreciate the journey rather than fixating on the outcome. Understanding who you are—your values, your needs, and your desires—is an integral part of this process. It is equally important to be realistic in your expectations of potential partners. Seek clarity from the Lord about your identity and purpose. This self-awareness will empower you to choose someone whose goals and values align with yours, rather than basing your choices solely on physical attraction or superficial compatibility. In doing so, you will be better equipped to engage in relationships that are rooted in mutual understanding and shared aspirations, leading to deeper connections and more fulfilling experiences.