The fear of living again
The first thing that I needed to do was lay out the definition of these words.
FEAR /ˈFIR/ noun an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
have an exciting or fulfilling life.
Ok, so now that we are all on the same page, let's get into it. For the last 2 years, I have not been living. I have been alive and surviving, but I haven't been actually living. Just going through the motions and doing the things that need to get accomplished. (With the exception of a few occasions when I tried doing things that are usually fun for me that ended up being OK at best). What I have heard the Lord saying to me recently was "It's time to start living again". It is very hard to imagine what that even looks like because when you get married at 21, you imagine that every milestone thereafter will be with your husband. For me, the birth of my daughter and every milestone she will ever have is without him. And as she gets older I realize that we will have to buy a home soon and that is a whole other struggle in and of itself. MOVING FORWARD is the term that many people like to use. As to not imply that you "move on" but instead with all of the emotions, emptiness and even brokenness you start to take steps forward. At first baby steps are all you can do. For me, going to work as a nurse and meeting people who don't already know my story is a step that I am learning. Sharing my story with others, or even simply telling them that I am a widow has challenges of it's own. Mostly because I still wear my ring. I mean it makes sense, I am a young woman with a toddler who wears a wedding ring. The implications are that my husband is alive and well.
I know that the Lord has great plans for me and that my experiences will help to impact many women in different areas. All of the different things that I have experienced over the last two years is just preparation for my purpose. And the thought of doing all of the amazing things that the Lord has in store for me without Chirs is so difficult. Although some days aren't as rough as others, there is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about the life that we would have had together. Last week, I found myself in a place where I literally DID NOT CARE about all of the amazing things that the Lord has shown me that are in store and just simply wanted my husband. Just a hug and to snuggle up on the couch with him was all that I wanted. I then began to beat myself up and feel guilty for having those emotions as a Chrsitian woman because I felt like I was being ungreatful. I felt as if I was telling God that I didn't even care about all of those amazing things and that I would rather have what I thought was best for me. I later realized that this wasn't something for me to beat myself up over, but rather a moment of being a human, grieving the loss of my husband. Emotions are real, and they are valid. Our processes belong to us! Each person has thier unique connection to thier spouse and will grieve the loss of them differently. Some people get into other relationships faster than others. Some people remain single for a very long time. Whatever your process is, is YOUR PROCESS. In everything that we do, they are with us. Living again is scary. Living again feels lonely. But living is what we are here to do. And one thing about Chris is that he LIVED OUTLOUD! He did everything with every ounce of his being and gave his all to everything he attempted. So it's only right for me to give our daughter the best version of myself. And not the person I always invisioned myself to be, but the best version of who I am now. A 32 year old widowed mother just trying to figure life out while raising a daughter and making space for people like me.