
Motherhood is a profound journey that encompasses a wide range of emotions, including joy and anticipation. For many, the experience of becoming a mother is marked by excitement and preparation, as they eagerly await the arrival of a new life, envisioning the moments of first smiles, tiny fingers, and the overwhelming love that comes with nurturing another human being. However, when the journey comes with unexpected and unforeseen circumstances, it changes the way that you may experience motherhood. I went into motherhood journey married, with the intention of having several children. Only to become a widow while 7 months pregnant, thus ending my opportunity of having a nuclear family of 4-6 people. I knew that I wanted to get a new car for my 30th birthday, and one of the reasons why I decided on an SUV with third-row seating was because we were planning to have several children within the next few years.
My original idea of parenthood was of me being the busy, ambitious, hard-working woman that I've always been. Chris was going to be a stay-at-home husband with the exception of his tour dates and shows, and I was going to continue my nursing career and running my businesses. Not only did his death cause a shift in that plan, but a global pandemic causing the world to shut down just one month after her birth made me slow down and fully embrace the role of mother. Although this time was filled with grief and loneliness, it was also a time of connection. If I was able to work and busy myself to avoid the emotions and work needed to heal, I believe that I would have taken that opportunity. Busyness was always one of my coping mechanisms. I figured that the problems and issues were going to exist either way, so why not make money in the meantime. Having to slow down and focus on parenting and healing was actually the best thing for me. I now realize that there were so many areas of brokenness inside of me which led to me not wanting to have children in the first place. Now I am realizing that the more I heal, the more I am beginning to desire the nuclear family with several children that I once desired. The problem now becomes that I am in my mid-30s and not seriously dating anyone.

This then leads to another type of grief. The grief of potentially not having the chance to carry another child. The funny thing is, when I began dating 2 years ago, I led with the fact that I did not want to have any other children when getting to know men. This would automatically eliminate certain men who seriously wanted to court me because I didn't want to promise them a life that I honestly wasn't sure I even wanted anymore. Because of the experience I had while carrying Blue, I was not interested in repeating any of it. Especially when thinking of the cost of raising a child. Not to mention the fear of potentially losing another partner and then being a widowed mother of now two children. Two things I've been able to gain from that experience: One is that I was living in fear. Fear that I would have a complicated pregnancy/delivery and that I could potentially lose another husband. The second thing I learned was to not come up with my own plan because who am I to say how the Lord is going to bless my family or who He is bringing to this world through me.
I have now completely surrendered the idea of my family and what it looks like to the Lord. I absolutely want to be married again, and was upset with the Lord for at least the last 18 months because I thought that it would have happened for me by now. I have seen several divorced and widowers/widows get married within the first 3 years of their journey and I thought that was going to be my story as well. I then realized that it was important for Blue and I to spend the first 5 years together alone. This time has allowed us to form a very strong bond and learn a lot about ourselves and each other. I am now clear on the type of mother that she needs to thrive. I am clear on many of her gifts and talents both in the natural and in the spirit. So while I was frustrated with the Lord because I felt like he was punishing me by making me parent alone, I now realize that He gave Blue and I the gift of these first five years alone together with no other distractions in the house. Although this journey looks completely different than anything that I imagined, I am grateful for the journey.
Motherhood is cultivated over time. Understanding the impact of how you were mothered allows you to process and heal, allowing you to not only be a great mother, but a powerful woman.
Now sure, the Lord could have healed me while allowing me to have the nuclear family we were planning for, but looking at the full picture, Chris passing away was a pivotal part of my journey as well as Blue's. Chris's purpose in life was to meet me when I was 15 and to show me what love felt like when I did not feel loved. I was filled with anxiety, severely depressed, and was even suicidal at times. It was his love that showed me that I was worthy of love. It was the Lord's love for me that sent Chris to me. It was as if Chris always knew what his role and purpose here on earth was. He was very adamant about me creating my own life outside of him. He never wanted to be my "everything." It was as if he was preparing me for a life without him. I met Chris when I was 15 years old and broken, and 15 years later I was able to welcome my beautiful baby girl into this world. At yet another dark time in my life.
We never know what the Lord's plan is or why He does what He does, but in this season, I have decided to surrender and trust Him. As pieces of the puzzle continue to come together, I am looking forward to what the rest of this journey looks like. As the Lord continues to groom me as a mother and prepare me to be a wife again, I am learning that things will never be perfect, but to hang in there because maybe, JUST MAYBE, things could turn out even better than I would have ever expected them to.
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