Becoming a Widowed Mom
Becoming a mother was something that I was never in a rush to do. I remember having a yearly conversation with Chris about how we could have children “next year”. We enjoyed our 20s! We traveled, TRAVELED, TRAVELED! Blue came at the PERFECT TIME! All of this time I thought it was me planning when I would have a baby, but really it was God! He was the one who planned everything and what a plan it was! Chris wanted a girl soooo bad! But I convinced that I was having a boy! We decided to wait until we had the baby to find out the sex. The day that Chris passed away, I decided to check my medical records to find out. And although he was already gone, our plan was to find out together and at that point, I knew there was no way I was waiting until delivery, so I opened my app.....and we found out "together". As his body laid there, I remember sobbing over him, “babe wake up, wake up it’s a girl! You got your girl!!!!” I couldn’t believe that this was really happening. All day long as I looked for him, I felt that this could have been the outcome, but in the back of my mind I kept saying “nah, we are finally pregnant! And I actually made it past the first trimester!” I just knew that the Lord wasn’t going to take my husband from me. Not when we did things the “RIGHT” way. Not when this whole pregnancy we were waiting to have to “try again”. Not when his career was just taking off! This couldn’t be!!!
That night, as I drove up to the ambulance, I sat on the step and it began to snow. Two of his very close friends were there. One was near the ambulance and the other was near me trying to keep me calm. As I sat there with a million things flowing through my head I looked at her and said “He’s gone”. I got back in the car and began to have a conversation with the Lord. Because at this point I’m in shock. And although all day I could feel that this wasn’t going to end well, I just chalked it up to paranoia or me thinking the worst. When the Bible says that the 2 become 1 flesh I now understand what it means. I could literally feel that something wasn’t right all day. It’s a feeling that I can’t explain. And I’m sure people thought that I was crazy. I was looking for him like he was missing for days, when itinally he was just an hour late getting home. But there was an indescribable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just felt that something wasn’t right. He actually called me late that night after we had been looking for him for several hours. He told me that he had fallen asleep in the car and that he was going to head home. I was so angry internally, but because I was so relieved that I had finally spoke to him, I just calmly said “it’s ok babe, just come home”. I remember talking to his brother on the phone and telling him how pissed and angry I was that he had me so worked up that day. I talked my usual trash and waited for him to arrive at home. After a few hours and he still wasn’t home, the worst feeling came over me and I just knew that I would probably never see him again. I could just feel it.
We had already chosen names for our child. Chris Jr. if it was a boy and Drew if it was a girl. Although the plan was to name our girl Drew (after my favorite uncle) I had to add Chris’s name to it once he passed, so ChristenDrew was the perfect name! She will always have her guardian angels looking out for her! ChrisenDrew (named after her father and my FAVORITE UNCLE 💙) and Cheryl (named after Chris's mom). All of her names are people who have passed, but were very special to Chris and I. ChristenDrew, (known by everyone as Blue) has her own little personality and dances to the beat of her own drum! At times it’s definitely challenging to raise her in the home that we shared together. Looking at her everyday and seeing Chris, is so difficult but I keep on going because I have to. In the beginning I even considered adoption, because I felt this road was going to be too hard for me to travel without him. But the Holy Spirit has been my comforter. And my village has been there for me EVERY STEP OF THE WAY💙 Everyday I wake up with the mindset to make it count! The last few weeks have been extremely difficult. She has been spending every weekend with my NaNa becuase I haven't had the capacity to parent her the way that I feel she deserves. I am so blessed to have people who can care for her even when I don't feel like I can. It is a harsh reality at times, but I am greatful that I am able to identify when I am struggling and ask for help. The love that I have for Blue is soemthing that I never knew was possible. She literally saved my life! She came during the most difficult season that I've ever had to navigate and I know that if it were not for me being pregnant and having her that my life would have gone a completely different way. Each day is different and this journey is far from over, but everyday I am learning more about myself and growing into exactly who the Lord has created me to be.