October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Usually, this month brings sadness and reflection for the two pregnancies I have lost, but this year feels a little different. I have mixed feelings about this month. Last year, I was still rather secretive about my pregnancy and subconsciously wondered if I would be able to carry it to term since I had two miscarriages and suffer from endometriosis and fibroids.
This month is bittersweet because, although I still think of the two pregnancies I lost, I cannot imagine raising three children on my own without my husband. Every day, I face new struggles while raising my daughter.
Losing a pregnancy at any stage is hard. The pregnancy I lost a few years back was the hardest on me, although it was unplanned. I had not yet told my husband that I was pregnant when I miscarried, which made me feel alone in the process. I told him when it happened, but since he did not know about the pregnancy to begin with, it felt like I was alone in the grieving process. Both times that I miscarried, there was someone close to me who was also pregnant. No one knew about my losses until after the loss of my second pregnancy. People would always ask us why we didn’t have children. They would make comments about me getting pregnant or that we needed to hurry up, meanwhile, we were having our struggles that they knew nothing about. Eventually, I began to open up to people, which made them feel uncomfortable, but it got them to stop making all of the comments that were extremely hurtful to me.
Having two previous miscarriages caused me to be unable to enjoy the pregnancy of my daughter. I felt like I was mentally preparing to lose the pregnancy at any moment, thus not growing as attached to the baby as most pregnant moms are. When I was 17 weeks pregnant, I was rushed to the hospital in excruciating pain and was told that I would have to have emergency surgery on my Fallopian Tube due to an abnormality called a torsion. I ended up not getting the surgery done, but I had several isolated events where I had to go to the emergency room due to excruciating pain. Each visit caused me to be more and more anxious, thinking that the pain was caused by me losing the pregnancy.
After my husband died, I was informed that the baby was growing smaller than expected and that I would have to come in twice a week for fetal monitoring. Each week, the baby failed her non-stress test, causing me to have frequent ultrasounds with the possibility of having a preterm delivery if anything was abnormal on the ultrasound. As a labor and delivery nurse, I knew more about my situation than most pregnant women, which caused me even more anxiety.
Today, I will be attending a vigil for women and men who have experienced pregnancy loss. Although I have lost two pregnancies in the past, I find comfort in knowing that my two angel babies are with their father. This October is very different from those I have had in the past because I now have a living baby. I thank the Lord for my daughter and am glad that I have a piece of my husband here on earth with me. But this month will always hold a special place in my heart as I think about the two pregnancies my husband and I lost.
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