Today is day 13 of my prayer and fasting journey with Transformation Church. Today’s word is WHOLENESS. I feel like this is a fitting word for today. Today Chris would have been 34. After he died there were many times that I felt incomplete. I felt like there was a void in my life. And to some extent this was true. He was literally my best friend. Many times people who are married aren’t friends at all, let alone best friends. We met when I was 15 and were together for 15 years total (married for 8). It wasn’t until I was reading the devotional for today that I realized that although I feel a void, I have always been whole. Wholeness comes from the Lord. Our mates aren’t what make us whole. The Lord is.
I never understood why people called me strong over this last year. I didn’t feel strong at all. It was very fitting that the word that the Lord gave Transformation Church for 2020 was STRONGER, because I definately got stronger in the Lord. My foundation was already pretty stable which is what helped a lot. I was very active in my church and soon realized that leading praise and worship was more for me than anyone else. I was exemplifying the strength that the Lord gave me and didn’t even realize it.
How was it that even in the loss of my husband I was whole? While we were married Chris was very adimate about not being my “everything”. He never wanted to be the one to complete me. He wanted to be my partner in life but wanted us to have our own identities. Even without him knowing, he was preparing me for life without him. For those who have experienced loss, I have one piece of advise. Make sure that the Lord is the anchor in your life. Pastor Charles from Trnaformation Church gave an anology about this. He said that many of us think that we are anchored to God but we are actually just hooked. So when the storm rages we are shifted to and fro. But when we are ANCHORED we can not be moved. Our faith is strong and we KNOW that the Lord will provide all of our needs. That is how I would describe myself. That is why I prefer the word resilient instead of strong. I am not strong alone, but the Lord gave me strength to be resilient and continue to function. To be in my right mind. To continue to care for my daughter. To continue to have meaningful relationships. Ofcourse I have days that are very difficult but I know that the Lord will get me through those times. Even today, when Chris and I would usually be vacationing in another country I thank the Lord.
I thank the Lord for this time of prayer and fasting. For 21 days I have decided to have my mind on HIM and not be consumed by what I lost but rather what that experience has given me. The Lord is molding me in to someone that will be able to minister to many different types of women. My testimony will be able to help and inspire others. When I was the praise and worship leader at church I would always say that our lives aren’t for us, but for those who we come in contact with. As Christians, we must be able to use our experiences to show the goodness of God. He will always allow us to embrace the Beauty over Ashes.